A Work In Progress Featured Article

So…It’s been a while. The last year has been pretty difficult, and updating the blog became more and more intimidating as time went on. I’m planning to post more regularly, but it’ll be less focused on weight loss, mental health, etc. I will post about those topics when I feel up to it, but at least I’ll be able to share more without freaking out about it.

Onward and upward!


Sunset Drift

Dusk approaches and I grab my keys
Doors shut, windows down, I take in the breeze
I hear your voice, and my senses awake

And with the sunset drift
You’re there with me again
But no matter how fast I drive
Moonlight can’t keep the memory of you alive

Dawn approaches and so does my fear
Of yet another day without you here
I hear your voice, but I’m still alone

And with the sunset drift
You’re there with me again
But no matter how fast I drive
Moonlight can’t keep the memory of you alive

Here the sunrise comes
But I can’t let you fade, not now
Praying for an eclipse
Pray that somehow, the axis slips
Pray for some sort of reprieve
In a heaven I wish I believed
Plead for more time without the light
Try to hold on with all my might

But in the sunlight’s view
Perhaps we can begin anew

The Prisoner

The Prisoner has no name, no face
No record of their crimes
A blank slate in shackles
A template – merely existing

Creation commences
An unseen hand guides the brush
And memories appear
Their story, finally at hand

The ship, the prison, the cart
Differing locales and times
Forces pulling towards conflict

Yes, there is freedom
But is there truly a choice?
Do all roads lead towards a conclusion?

For without the Hero, there is no Event.
It’s your decision, Prisoner.


You keep slipping away
Look me in the eyes
And see someone you recognize
Speak in words I can understand
But even if you can’t
I’ll never leave your side

Hold on. Please. For me.

You keep slipping away
Right before my eyes
And now I can recognize
I’ve asked too much of you
Asked far too much
I’ll never leave your side

Let go. Please. For me.

But leave you, I did
Too young to really understand
Too scared to face the truth
Too stupid to see that
Just being there was enough

Hold on. Please. For me.
Let go. Please. For me.
You can let go, Genita
It’s alright, Genita

The Sea Of Ghosts

With anger in our hearts we sail
To melt the snow with our fire
Five Hundred make way through the waves

We make landing on the rocky shores
All ships arrived, save one
I row against the tide to battle the Sea

Storms force me back to the coast
Gales and darkness that seem unending
For two fortnights we wait

The storm breaks at last
Our kinsmen returned, yet lost
For the Sea had claimed their souls

We choke back our tears
As our hopes wash up on the shores
Leaving only ghosts

When It Rains

So, as I’ve stated on the blog previously, my fiancee Amber has chronic migraines resulting from Chiari Malformation, which is a herniation of the brain stem (literally, her brain is too big for her skull). She had surgery to correct it 6 years ago, but her symptoms have worsened since then, which only occurs in 10-20% of people after surgery. It’s been a tough time, and with some of her “pre-surgery” symptoms returning in the last few months, I did a lot of research into revision surgeries, which people do need from time to time. We saw her neurosurgeon yesterday, and unfortunately, there’s nothing indicating that a revision surgery is even remotely necessary.

We’ve tried so many things at this point. She’s had Botox injections, nerve blocks, multiple-day infusions of a drug called DHE, and a myriad of medications. I have to put her pills together every week, and we keep a spreadsheet handy for doctor visits. She’s on narcotics, muscle relaxers, triptans…It’s a lot. We’ve tried taking her off of things to reduce side effects or possible interactions, but nothing ever works. The only route we haven’t really explored at the moment is medical marijuana, which is still in a grey area in Massachusetts, as only one dispensary has been opened, and is an hour and a half away.

Of course, this has been affecting our mood in a very significant way, and our diets have suffered as a result. We’ve been getting back on track to an extent, but it’s really difficult to keep up the good fight when everything seems so impossible. We’re both lucky to have amazing friends and family that have supported us through all of this. Most importantly, we have each other. It’s not always smooth, but considering our daily challenges, that’s to be expected.

In any case, the point of this is that I have found it really important to let the people who care about you in. Before my weight loss journey, I didn’t talk about my health, be it mental or physical. It’s made a huge difference, and despite everything, I’m in such a better place than I was. As always, if any of you are ever in a situation where you need to talk about something that’s weighing on you, my door is open.

An Admission

I had my “case ended” at my previous mental health facility in January due to a bad fit with my therapist at the time. Because of that, I missed several appointments since I dreaded seeing him (of course, I didn’t ask for a new therapist – brilliant idea). I spiraled pretty hard. My depression hit me like a truck, and being off my ADHD meds for 4 months really set me back a lot. It was like Old Scott was here to stay again. I stopped leaving the house, stopped talking to my friends, stopped talking to my family.

I’ve put 20 pounds back on. With depression comes food for me. I can’t overeat at meals any more, but I can eat all day long and I can make bad choices. Thankfully, those bad choices are still miles better than what they had been, but they’ve still been there. My willpower has taken a kick in the teeth. Make no mistake – there’s no excuse for this, but there is an explanation.

I’m back on meds now. I’ve gotten out more in the last couple of weeks than the previous 2 months or so. I’m making better choices. But it’s a hard road, and one I’m going to veer off of from time to time for the rest of my life. As always, I want to thank all of you for helping me find my way back during those times where I think everything is pointless.

Love to you all.

A Long Absence

Hey everybody, sorry once again for the long time between posts. It’s been a difficult time for me the last several months. My fiancee and I moved, my father had some serious health problems, and my depression and anxiety took a nosedive. With regards to the blog, a week turned into a month, and with every passing day I became more terrified of posting new updates. In addition, my therapist and psychiatrist both moved out of state, and their replacements were poor fits.

I know I’ve said this before, but anybody that thinks this process is easy or a “quick fix” is full of shit. Physically, I’m doing so much better than any time since high school, but I’m still the same person mentally and emotionally. While I’ve made progress since my last post, I’ve stalled quite a bit and put some weight back on (not much, but even a few pounds is demoralizing). My habits are worse than they’ve been, though I’m taking some steps to correct that.

In any case, as things stand now, I’m down to about 250 lbs, 178 down from my high, and 133 since my surgery on 11/20/13. I still don’t feel like it’s enough, and I’m still not thrilled with how I look. I have a ton of loose skin, and even though looks weren’t my concern going in, I won’t lie that there are times my new body irks me. Regardless, it’s still miles better than being 420 lbs.

I’ll leave you with some before and after photos. The before photos are from 11/19/13, the day before my surgery, and the after photos are from my 1 year surgiversary.

Thanks always for reading. I plan to be more consistent in my updates going forward, though I can’t promise my brain will cooperate.

Thoughts On Boogie2988 & DDP

I’m very psyched for Boogie2988, who I started watching on YouTube this last year. While he’s hilarious, and has some great takes on the gaming industry, the thing that kept me watching was how genuine he was. He puts himself, all 550lbs of him, out to 1.9 MILLION people, every day. That’s courage, and it’s a big reason why I started doing these videos and blogs in the first place. In any case, over the weekend, he met and worked with Diamond Dallas Page of DDPYoga (also a 3-time WCW Champion) to help him get started on being more active, eating better, and “own his life,” which is one of DDP’s mantras.

I’ve been a big fan of wrestling for as long as I can remember, so DDP’s videos spoke to me in a way similar ones wouldn’t.  Instead, it hit me that I didn’t need to “die fat, die miserable,” as Boogie put it. Having the surgery gave me a boost, to be sure, but I have tried to incorporate some of DDP’s “program,” IF YOU WEEEL, into multiple facets of my life. I never had hope that I could change my life. Day by day, I’m being proven wrong, in the best way possible. You’re on the right path, Boog.

Interview with Diamond Dallas Page of DDPYoga!!: