As stated in my recent YouTube video, I hit a rough patch for the last couple of months. Despite the mental setbacks, the physical side of the equation didn’t seem to suffer, which probably made it more difficult to see that I needed to refocus. The last couple of weeks have had their ups and downs, with Amber having bariatric surgery herself (a Sleeve Gastrectomy) and becoming more aware of my mental and physical limitations.
One thing that is both a positive and negative for me is that I’m fairly self-aware. I know, for example, that my two greatest fault is an intense fear of failure, which results in becoming overwhelmed more often than I’d like to admit. Because of this, I have a lot of trouble starting tasks, let alone finishing them. This applies not only to important items, but fun things as well. Case in point, the long time between posts. The thought of sitting down and composing an update was paralyzing. I experience that feeling almost every day.
I want to make this clear: I’m not seeking attention, pity, or anything along those lines. I just want to explain what I’m dealing with, because I know I’m not the only one. That’s the whole point of this blog. Originally, my YouTube posts and the subsequent written updates were to cover my weight loss surgery, but it’s impossible to separate that from what made me so overweight in the first place. I realize now that my mental health has always been a problem, and it became progressively worse over the last few years. I want to present a realistic portrait of my journey – the ups and downs, the struggles and successes. This post has become something of a mission statement, I suppose. In any case…
What things do you struggle with? This doesn’t have to be something physical, mental, emotional, etc. Please share in the comments!
-Scott
I suffer from several fears. It’s embarrassing to me and something I’ve forced myself to discuss more openly as I’ve matured. The obsessive compulsive disorder creates a laundry list. It’s overwhelming at times but I’ve been lucky to say that will an incredible support system I’ve gotten a *little* more in control though I have miles upon miles to go…
One is failure; the thought of letting others down sometimes makes me retreat. It doesn’t necessarily cause me to procrastinate but it severally affects my overall mental health and exasperates my mania, and sometimes, severe depression. I can’t bare the thought of hurting anyone I consider family. It’s stifling. I end up hurting myself by showing my insecurities and not allowing myself to obtain what I probably deserve. The position I just required was a huge, HUGE, moment for me. It’s nearly impossible in NYC to land this kind of gig. I always avoided even sending my resume for something of this nature because, well… I didn’t think I was nearly as good as the others applying. The thought of going for a position this perfect and not landing it scared the shit out of me. Even worse: LANDING it then LOSING it! I’d have to see the look on my loved ones faces and/or even think (dwell) on how I should and could be so much better for them… So you could imagine how I felt after having it offered to me after a grueling interview process. However, I’m still working on my paranoia of a major setback as I write this. Push, push, push forward. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Another one of my many fears is loss. The more I love someone, the stronger my fear is of losing them. Death is a common thought that I perseverate over. This is where my rituals and superstitions come into play, so much in fact, that I can’t even allow myself to explain this as well as I’d like.
Is this fun for me to share? No.
I’m I hesitant? Yes.
Is it with it. Abso-fuckin-lutely.
However…
We need to share.
We need to discuss.
We need to relate.
We need to support each other.
In my opinion, one of the greatest rewards of openness and honest is sharing with those who love you most.
I’m beyond proud of what you’ve accomplished, and also, proud of calling you my friend.
Keep your head up.
You’re fabulous!
(And you both look amaaaaaazing!)
xo
Well, I’d like to thank autocorrect for making it “will” instead of “worth” it amongst other errors! Haha!
Beautiful! You get my point, though!